There are times in life when we genuinely need support. We all do.

No matter how strong, capable or resilient we may appear, there are moments when life becomes overwhelming and we need someone to listen, understand, reassure us or simply sit beside us while we find our way through. Asking for support is not weakness. In fact, recognising that we need help can be an act of courage.

But there is an important difference between needing support and becoming attached to being the person who is always in need of saving.

In therapy, we sometimes encounter people who have been living within a victim narrative for many years. They may have experienced genuine hurt, disappointment, rejection, betrayal or difficult circumstances. Their suffering may have started from something very real. Yet, over time, the suffering can become part of their identity.

The story becomes: "People always hurt me. Nobody understands me. Nothing ever works out for me. Other people are the problem. I cannot change this".

And when that story has been repeated for 15 or 20 years, we have to consider something uncomfortable: what was once a response to circumstances may have become a deeply established pattern. Sometimes there can even be an unconscious attachment to the drama surrounding that pattern. Being the person who is constantly struggling can bring attention, sympathy, reassurance and support from others. People check in. They offer advice. They rescue. They take care. There can be a sense of connection and importance in being the one who needs to be supported.

This does not necessarily mean that someone consciously chooses to suffer. Most often, these patterns develop unconsciously. They can be rooted in fear, low self-worth, trauma, learned helplessness or a long history of difficult relationships. But unconscious does not mean unchangeable.

Therapy cannot do the work of change for someone who is not willing to participate in that change. A therapist can provide compassion, understanding, tools and a safe space to explore painful experiences. We can help someone understand where their patterns come from and develop new ways of responding. But ultimately, the person has to become willing to ask themselves difficult questions:

What am I doing that keeps me stuck?

What am I gaining from remaining in this role?

What would happen if I stopped waiting for someone else to rescue me?

Who would I be without my suffering being at the centre of my identity?

And perhaps most importantly:

Am I ready to take responsibility for the part of my life that is within my control?

Taking responsibility does not mean blaming ourselves for everything that has happened to us. It does not mean denying trauma, injustice or genuine pain. It means recognising that, although we cannot always choose what happens to us, we have some choice about what we do next. There is a point where repeatedly revisiting the same story without any movement towards change can keep us trapped inside it. Support should help us become stronger, not permanently dependent on being supported.

We can accept someone's pain without reinforcing their helplessness. We can have compassion without encouraging someone to remain stuck. And we can love someone while still saying, "I believe you are capable of more than this."

Sometimes the most supportive thing we can offer another person is not sympathy but encouragement to reconnect with their own agency.

Because healing is not simply about feeling better. It is also about becoming more active in creating a life that feels different.

We all deserve support.

The strongest people need support. The people who appear to have everything together need support. And sometimes the people who have spent years surviving need support more than anyone. But support is meant to be a bridge, not a permanent destination. At some point, we have to step onto that bridge and begin walking.

So perhaps the invitation is not to ask, "Why does this always happen to me?" but: "What can I do differently now?"

Not "Who will save me?" But: "How can I begin to save myself?"

And not "Why am I suffering?" But: "What suffering am I continuing to create, knowingly or unknowingly and am I ready to let it go?"

May we all become free from suffering, especially the suffering we unconsciously carry, repeat and sometimes create for ourselves.

May we learn to receive support without becoming dependent on our pain.

May we have the courage to step out of roles that no longer serve us.

And may we remember that our past may explain us but it does not have to define us.