In our fast-paced world, where expectations are abundant and demands unrelenting, the act of pleasing others often masquerades as a virtue.  Some people have been raised to believe that prioritising others over ourselves is noble, even heroic. Yet, there is a fine line between kindness and self-sacrifice, and when the latter becomes habitual, we enter the realm of toxic pleasing. The troubling truth is that society has normalised this behaviour, turning it into an insidious cultural expectation.

What is toxic pleasing?

Toxic pleasing is a trauma response. It goes beyond healthy consideration of others. It’s the compulsive need to meet others’ expectations at the expense of one’s own well-being. Whether it stems from a fear of rejection, a desire for approval, or deeply ingrained societal conditioning, the result is often the same: burnout, resentment, and a loss of identity. Over time, the individual who habitually prioritises others begins to erode their sense of self. They live in the shadow of what others want, rarely questioning whether those wants align with their own needs and values. Unfortunately, this behaviour is often rewarded by society, further embedding it as a norm.

Cultural narratives play a significant role in the normalisation of pleasing. Phrases like “Be nice,” “Don’t rock the boat,” and “Put others first” are drilled into some people from a young age. Media perpetuates the ideal of the self-sacrificing hero, the person who gives everything without complaint, often to their own detriment.

Gender expectations could potentially exacerbate the issue as such expectations create a pressure cooker of obligations, where saying “no” feels like an act of rebellion rather than a simple assertion of boundaries.

The costs of toxic pleasing are huge. While pleasing others might yield short-term harmony, the long-term costs can be devastating. Among the most common repercussions are:

Burnout: Constantly prioritising others leaves little energy for self-care, leading to physical and emotional exhaustion.

Resentment: Over time, the perpetual giver may feel unappreciated or taken advantage of, fostering resentment.

Loss of identity: Living for others often means neglecting personal passions, goals, and even values.

Diminished mental health: Anxiety and depression frequently accompany the relentless pressure to please.

Breaking free from the pleasing trap:

Liberating oneself from the cycle of toxic pleasing is not an overnight process, but it is achievable. Here are some steps to begin reclaiming your life:

Recognise your own pattern: The first step is self-awareness. Acknowledge when you’re prioritising others’ needs over your own and reflect on why you feel compelled to do so.

Set Boundaries: Learn to say “no” without guilt. Start small by declining minor requests and gradually work towards asserting yourself in more significant situations.

Prioritise self-reflection: Regularly ask yourself, “What do I need?” Make it a habit to consider your own feelings and desires too.

Seek support: Whether through therapy, support groups, or trusted friends, sharing your struggles can help you gain perspective and encouragement.

Redefine kindness: Understand that being kind does not mean being self-sacrificing. True kindness often involves honesty and authenticity, both to yourself and others.

Shifting the narrative can be a challenge. To combat the toxic normalisation of pleasing, we must collectively challenge societal norms as well as our own thoughts and perceptions. This involves celebrating authenticity over compliance and valuing people for who they are, not just what they can do for others. By modelling healthy boundaries and self-respect, we pave the way for future generations to live more balanced, fulfilling lives.

The journey to break free from toxic pleasing is not without its challenges, but the rewards are profound. By reclaiming our autonomy and redefining kindness, we create a life that honours both ourselves and the people we care about. After all, true connection arises not from relentless self-sacrifice, but from genuine, mutual respect.